Conversations Around Me

I'm the new kid on the block at work. I usually sit at my desk do my work, make my rounds, and talk to the nurses when I need their help. I usually sit here and mind my own business.. But, my ears are listening to all the conversations that go on at the nurses station. I here of women who have financial woes, marriage woes, ex-husband woes, children woes, and the list goes on. I guess the woe that is talked about a lot is the ex-husband or relationship woe. How you can be so happy and in love on your wedding day then you end up 4 kids later with no love toward each other. I guess I wonder how this happens. How do you let your marriage go? Did you really mean your vows to begin with? Are you the kind of women that attracts that kind of man? What are you not telling about youself? There is always two sides to every story!! With my upcoming marriage I tune into the conversation more. I know I'm marrying a good, Godly, moral man who loves me and will keep the vows we make before God. I know I will keep the vows I make before God with His help. So, I feel more confident coming into my marriage then the average gal. I have the good Lord Jesus on my side.

Tonight I'm writing from behind my desk at work. I am trying to pass the time since tonight is a quiet, slow night. Hopefully, I don't jinx myself. We aren't allowed to say the "q" word while at work. Anyway, I just did. I am getting adjusted and doing well. My life consist of work, sleep, wedding, work, sleep, wedding, and occassionally something fun or exciting. I've been working a lot which is cool since it keeps me busy and I desperately need the money. I very much enjoy my job.. That makes all the difference. I can't imagine working the hours and shifts that I do if I didn't enjoy my job. I don't always feel like going into work.. But, that is nothing new under the sun!

Change, Change, & More Change

Oh! My life has had so many changes in the last week! Whew! I moved from parents house, moved 8 hours away, living in a new town where I know nobody, moved into an apartment, started a new job, and I think that is it. I am slowly getting adjusted! Work and wedding keeps me very busy and occupied so I don't have time to think upon the startling realization of how much my world has changed. I do tend to find myself very homesick especially on the nights when I'm not working and by myself. I miss my hometown, my parents, and my church so much it hurts. Yet, I moved to VA to spend my life with the most amazing man on the planet. So this whole situation ends up being bittersweet! I am very proud of myself for this big accomplishment. I would not have been able to do this last year due to my illness and severe depression. Even though all this change has made me slightly depressed and I'm slightly worried about slipping into that awful dark place again. But so far I'm doing great. Just one day at a time. We are only guaranteed the time we have right now so make the best of it!

Brewing On The Stove

It's time to post again.. Needed to post a few things that have been on my mind!!

1. Just because you are married now doesn't mean that you can stop caring about yourself!! I've made this weird observation of ladies not caring about how they appear or etc now that they "got their man". They dress sloppy, don't shave, lounge around in sweat pants all day, do nothing with their hair, and the list goes on. When dating us gals put a lot of time into the right outfit and our appearance... That doesn't change when one gets married. You still need to look attractive to your husband!

2. I'm homesick just thinking about it! I am getting ready to leave Indiana and move to Virginia to start my new job before I get married. I'm having a hard time with the moving part for several reasons. I love being close to my family. I'm super close to my family and don't like the idea of living 8 hours away. I also LOVE my home church!!!!! I haven't found a home church that even compares to mine. I'm so biased I know! But, I love it and the people that attend there. I have so many connections, so many friends, and so many children to love on. I have moved a lot with being a pastors kid and I'm just ready to settle down in one place and live happily ever after.. But, I don't want that to be Virginia. Awful of me I know.

3. My life is rewarding. I'm so excited about my career. I can't even explain how amazing surgery is.. Surgery is my high! But, I chose to be different and to live a clean life.. That has been so rewarding. If I would have gotten in jail, done drugs, been a teen mom, or etc I would've lost my chance at doing what I love. I'm so glad I chose to be different and live for Jesus!

Today I went and remembered to special people who were apart of my life. I needed to go and I wanted to go. But, I dreaded it. My emotions are getting the best of me. The simple, gentle harp playing as I entered the room brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was experiencing all the same emotions that I felt at their funeral. I acknowledged my journey of grief to others and shared memories. They have a special tree where I laid two white roses in honor of both of my grandfathers. That moment was when I lost it and I started bawling. Tears continued even when I writing a page in honor of them. I was moving on, but I feel like I lost ground today. It brought all of the emotions back to the surface and I feel so sad tonight. Grief is such a mystery and it never gives you warning of it's arrival. Words can't describe the feelings! The service brought the waves of grief back to me as I had to face that my grandfathers are gone. I can't see them, call them, or hear their voice. And, that about kills me in it's self.

Lessons Learned

Soon it will be a year since I've started the journey of depression and my struggle to return to my "normal" life. The journey has been lonely, dark, hopeless, desperate, and awful. I can not describe the feelings, emotions, and battles that I went through everyday with my mind and body. I have learned a lot of lessons and I'm going to share some of them below.

1. You NEVER know what people are going through. Never, never know!

2. A lot is hidden behind the mask. I was told several times that I hid my depression very well. No one knew what was going behind the mask & smile.

3. Depression is real!! It might be hard to relate or even imagine, but it is!!

4. Depression isn't from God. God doesn't give you depression as a punishment or as a funny joke. It's apart of life.

5. Depression is a physical illness. It's not  a visible one and no one has to know. It can be a chemical imbalance of hormones and etc.

6. Never judge someone for their actions. I have been guilty of judging someone for their anger or even taking their life. I will never ever do that again. Because, that could've been me. You are completely numb and  lose all ability to think rationally.

7. One must get help if they are struggling with depression. You can't fight depression by yourself!

Raise your Eyes

We can look right within our circle to view our on heartaches, sadness, struggles, and hard times that are so often an occurrence in life. We look, ponder, complain, cry, and moan about how rough life is for us and those who we share life with. It is easy to focus within in our little circle and never raise our eyes to view outside our little circle. We slowly raise our eyes and daringly step out of our circle to view the world with our self-centered focused eyes. 

We head downtown to enter the homeless and bad section of town. Our eyes are amazed as we view the old, battered, man who is curled up like a kitten sleeping underneath the cold beams of the bridge, we see young, naive children roaming the streets without anyone in sight, we view the run down buildings with broken out window and wonder how anyone can survive in the cold.

Our eyes have viewed so much and we decided to cross the waters to the dry, dusty deserts where we stumbled upon a military camp full of men and women wearing the uniform of the United States of America. We peak into their campfire circle as we hear them talk about their families, spouses, and children with such love and fondness. Pictures are shared with the memories around the circle that night. And, you wonder how they could go so long without seeing their loved ones.

We can't believe what are eyes are beholding as we cross into the great plains of Africa. We view little, dark children with bloated tummies, bones showing, and clotheless bodies. Tears start flowing down our cheeks as we view children who do not know a better life. How, I wonder how they survive without the nourishment and the fun foods we enjoy.

Raise your eyes above your own problems and needs. Be thankful for shelter, family, and food this holiday season!

Seasons of Change

Just as the seasons change, so does our life. I have experience seasons of happiness, bliss, joy, love, confusion, disappointment, loneliness, and more. This year was off to a good start until about the end of February. I went into a severe depression and the journey isn't over. Words can't describe how this year has been for me and I would never want anyone to experience such awful darkness. The season of dread was parting ways and the beautiful season of hope and life was returning to the sky of my life. Until, the deep dark clouds of death and grief visited the horizon of my life. The awful monster of death came and stole my Grandpa Pierce away. Tears like the rain fell in a steady stream off my face, my heart broke like a piece of glass shattering on the floor, and my mind wandered like a homeless man. I couldn't understand why the season of hope had only visited for a short while. Must my sky always be filled with sadness of the dark, heavy clouds that hide the sun from my face? Am I sealed to a fate of darkened skies? As I have learned the seasons sometimes change quickly or they stay for awhile. I want to see the flowers, the sun, and a blue sky. I am always looking at the horizon for the sign of the sun and when she shines her beautiful, radiant rays on my sky I will dance under her light.

Isn't fall such a lovely time of the year. Kayla has been enjoying the fall, crisp days, watching the leaves fall, and smelling the spice of fall. The backyard is full of red, yellow, auburn, and golden leaves that have fallen from up high. Kayla has enjoyed the beauty of a graceful and gorgeous German Shepherd laying in a blanket of leaves. This fall has days that have been full of cold rain and chilly days, even they are gorgeous in their own way. Those days are made for a warm bed, warm blankets, and warm drinks. But, if you are a typical, working American you have to leave the comfort of the warm bed to dodge the rain and puddles as you make a dash for your vehicle. You are off on your day with the heat and defrost on high, listening to the news, and singing along with some oldies. The private time is over, the rest of the day is busy and there is a sea of faces and people that you will encounter.. The cycle is repeated.. Each day has it's mysteries, joy, sadness, happiness, pleasant times, difficult times; don't wish your days away. Sniff in the fall smells, air, and relax!

Enjoying a beautiful day

A New Year

No, I am not talking about the first day of January... I am talking about my year of being 21. Being twenty was great, but there were some awful and yet good times. I'll write a blog later on that subject.
College classes resumed on August 22nd. This is such a different year when it comes to school, study life, classmates, professors, and classes. It is intense and we usually have a test each day of class. I do not have much down or free time. I am making good grades. :) And, I really enjoy my classes and what I'm learning. It is scary and exciting at the same time.. I need to spend more time in the lab and on my schoolwork. Our Surg Tech class went on a field trip the other day to St. Johns OR floor. I loved every bit of it.. I received my first privilege to look through the glass and watch 2 different surgeries. I was very fascinated and glued to the window. I have sixteen weeks of classes.. I have classes the first 8 weeks and then different classes the second 8 weeks. I am getting close to having finals for the first 8 weeks. I will then start clinicals two days of the week and lecture on one day.
Stan is also in school. We both keep very busy and we don't get to talk or see each other as much. It can be very hard at times. College is very important to us both. I can't imagined getting married without having our degrees. I just don't understand how young couples get married with no college degrees and how they survive. Anyway, I do not want to know.. Thankfully, I only have one year and then it's graduation!! :)
I have been "remodeling" my room. I found a beautiful desk for a cheap price and it was just the right size. I finally found a green mushroom chair for my room, also. My room is done in brown, cream, and green. I'll post pictures soon. I'm hoping to purchase a laptop soon for my schooling. I have spent time tonight putting my summer clothes away and unpacking my fall and winter clothes. I have lost 10 pounds :) So, I have been doing a lot of shopping to get some new clothes that fit. I have went down a skirt size and I love it. :) Hopefully, I can keep it off this school year!
Be posting later... Have a blessed weekend.

Oh, to be a wee one again

Now that would be alright

To be carefree with squeals of delight

Free from the illness that plagues ones life

No dark clouds on the horizon wild

Oh, the joys of being a child

Never an intruder of the mind

Life is not always kind

Moving forward it is time

On to conquering the night

Fighting for one's life

Oh, to be a tyke forever more

Catch Up

Sorry, friends.. It has been a long time since I've blogged! So much has happened.. Good things, not so good, hard times, and good times. These last couple months have been different.. We can just say that grief has really hit me and it's been very hard.
I'm out of classes for the summer. I'm so happy to be on summer break. School was getting exhausting the last couple weeks. I took 15 credit hours and I made it. :) Those credit hours were a little different than what I was use to. Leaning about the human body, pharmacology, and diseases it a little harder. Microbiology was my favorite class. Wow, I learned so much.
Stanley graduated from Radford University with a major in Biology and a minor in Chemistry. I was very proud of him. He starts working on his BSN degree this fall. He will be working on his degree for about 4 years. He plans to go on and get his Doctorate in Nursing. We both have a lot of school ahead of us! :) It is important to both of us. I got accepted into the "Surgical Technology" program. It is a 15 month program that I start this fall. I have orientation coming up soon. I was surprised that I got in. They only accepted about 15-20 students and over 60 students applied. I was very happy. It's nice to have achieved the first step in my goal.
I'm still working at the daycare. I've been working full time since school has been out. I'm helping in the kitchen, doing lunches, working in classrooms, and then go aid in our SAC area. I love working at North Kids! It's a great, Christian place to work. I'm hoping to volunteer at the hospital this summer. I'm hoping to get my foot in the door and end up with a job! :) I would love to work in a hospital. I've also thought about shadowing some this summer.
I'm looking forward to my summer. I love camp time.  I've already taken the week of youth camp off. Stan will be there all week as a team leader. I wouldn't miss youth camp! :) I have some goals to accomplish and just to relax. I won't have a life once I go back to school.
We have a new addition to our family. A beautiful German Shepherd pup. Her name is Moka Vans Wiford! :) And, not that is not pronounced like a family "van" that you ride around in. It's completely German.. Even our last name! She is such a good and smart pup. We love her dearly.
Have a blessed week!

Quick Note

I actually have time to blog more than once in a week or months. I have some free time between classes and decided to take a break. My online "Medical Law & Ethics" class meets once a month. We all have to do presentations in the class. Since, my last name is Wiford. I'm at the bottom!! :) For once I'm happy to be at the bottom of the alaphabet. Gives me more time to prepare and come up with material. I throughly enjoyed the presentations. Medical Law and Ethics coveres a lot of "touche" subjects in the health care. One gal did a presentation on genetic engerinering. Wow! That is a crazy subject. You are able to pick or delete what genes you want your child to have. You could pick down to the eye and hair color. There is a lot of cons to the subject though. Your baby becomes more like an object. Similar to going to Wal-Mart and picking out the best baby you want out of the options. There may be more of a positive light to it. If the parents first child has some type of disease the parents can "genetically engineer" a baby. They would use the cord and tissue from the second baby to help cure the disease of the first baby. I want to do more research in this topic. I know where I stand on the subject, but I think I need to do more research.
I am doing my subject on "Hospice Care" since Grandpa and Uncle Stephen both were under hospice care before they died. Mine is not due till the last week of April.
I am striving to get all "A's". It can be tough! I'm not doing too bad, yet. I hope I can do it. Taking 15 credit hours this semester can make life hetic. My homework is never ending. But, I'm doing good and getting things done on time. Teachers for some reason like to give busy work.
My favorite class of the semester is Microbiology! Wow! This class has changed me! Now more than ever do I believe in the Germ Theory. I'll post more about that later! I have to head off to class! Have a great Wednesday!

V-Day Pictures

Roses from Stan the Man!

One of my V-Day gifts! He knows me well! :)

 

 

 

 

 

Catching Up....

Life has been busy. I've been wanting to write for forever, but I just haven't had the time. I really should be working on homework right now. :) Life is going good. I'm just keeping so busy with schoolwork and work. I enjoy all my classes this semester! I'm learning so much and I enjoy them all. Work is going great. I'm working with the school age children and also with the Pre-K children. I love the Pre-K's! They are so sweet. I am also babysitting some on weekday mornings.I'm thankful that I have a job.
Stan and I are doing great. He was able to come and visit last week. We had a wonderful time! ;) Our spring breaks our at the same time, so we get to spend some time together next month! Even though rumor has it we are engaged; I can honestly say we are not. We both have school left and our future depends on our schooling and whether we get in to our different programs.
God is good. He provides, protects, loves, and cares for me! Life is good.. God is good all the time!
Hope you have a wonderful weekend!!

Being Thankful

 

With thanksgiving approaching very soon, I have been thinking about all my many blessings and everything I am thankful for. Yes, they are things that I could grumble or be discouraged about. But, when I look at all my many blessings I really have so much to be thankful for. The last couple days I have been thinking about all that I'm thankful for and I want to share my list with you! :)

1. I am thankful for Jesus. He is very best friend and He is always there for me. He is always so patient with me! I am thankful that He willing gave His life that I might have life forever more.

2. I am so thankful for my family! I have great parents and siblings. I am blessed to have been raised in a Christian home. When I look at all my friends and the lives they have had, it makes me even more thankful for my family.

3. I am thankful for Grace Holiness Church. I have the best church family ever! I am so blessed to learn under the Bakers and Sis. Brenda Leach. I am so blessed with an awesome church family!

4. I am thankful for my job! :) It might not have been what I first desired, but God knew what I needed. I don't have to work any weekends and it's great to work at a Christian facility.

5. I am thankful for my little car!! :) Even thought it always seems to be getting new scratches or etc. I have a car and it gets great gas mileage!

6. I am thankful for good health. I have learned about so many different sicknesses and diseases this year in my classes. There is so many different things that could be wrong with my body, but I have good health. There is so many people suffering out there. I am blessed.

7. I am thankful for housing, clothes, and food. Even though I am still living at home. I am thankful that my parents still let me live at home! :) 

8. I am thankful for education. I am thankful that I am able to attend school and expand my learning.

9. I am thankful for my best friend Sarah. Wow, I could say so much here. She is a great friend, listener, and encourager. I can trust her with anything. She has been such a great friend and has been there for me countless times! I am also thankful for my countless other friends, too!! You are blessings from God!!

10. I am thankful for Stanley!! :) I am thankful for how God brought us back together. He is a great friend, listener, and encourager. He is so sweet, caring, and gentle. He is an amazing boyfriend and I am so blessed to have him!!

Always be thankful! If you are feeling down or discouraged remember that someone else out there has it worse than you. Count your blessings this thanksgiving season!! The Bible commands us to be thankful and content! Chose to be thankful!!

The last couple weeks...

The last couple weeks have been crazy and stressful. Life, school, and work keeps me so busy these days. This is the first night that I have been able to sit down and relax!! :) The craziness of midterms is behind me! I was able to go to Youth Challenge. I had to work that Friday so I drove up after work. I made it for the closing of the service and was there for the afterglow, which was great. I went back to GBS to stay with a good friend. It was my first time in Cinci since graduation. It was great to go back! :) I didn't get in till about midnight and left halfway early the next morning, so I didn't really get to much of anyone or the campus. I was actually dreading going to Youth Challenge and back to Cinci. I figured it would be hard on me with it being the first time going back since Cort and I broke up. I figured I would be overwhelmed with memories, but I was okay. In some ways that seems forever ago and sometimes it seems like it never happened. I guess that is what time does. We also had Homecoming on the 30th of October. I was in junior church that Sunday morning. I was able to help with the dinner and be there for the Memorial Service though.
Last week we had Revival at church. I was able to attend every night. There could been nights were I could've staid home to study, but I had such an overwhelming desire to be in God's house that I did not want to miss a service. We had a good revival.
School has been great and crazy. I have had lots of papers due and I had three lab test in a row. I can say that I can almost name all 206 bones that our in the human body! :) I have the most trouble remembering the skull bones. Last week we started dissecting cats! I thought I would have a hard time with that since I am an avid cat lover. It went great. The smell gets a little overwhelming though. We had to cut off all the fat. And, that cat was fat. I have no clue what his master feed him, but he was one fat pussy cat. We located the major muscles in the skull, shoulder, and thoracic. We will keep our cat and continue to work on them. I have one big research paper due in English, but I'm going to use a research paper that I turned in for another class. I have to change some stuff around and add some more but it should save me a lot of work.
Stanley and I are doing great!! :) He will be coming in a week from Friday. I can not wait!! It has been over a month since I have seen him!! I'm doing better with the whole long distance relationship thing than I thought. It is a lot different than just two hours or across campus. And, I thought I had it bad then. I just hope that he gets into PA school up here. It never ceases to amaze me how God brought us back together. And, I know that we can make it!
Have a blessed week!

It's been forever since I have blogged! A lot of water has went under the bridge! I finally purchased a car after many weeks of endless searching. I am happy with my purchase. It's cute, compact car.. And, it gets great gas mileage!! :)
My relationship status has changed. I am dating again. I would not have maybe planned it this way or would have ever guessed it would happen this way. I can't say it was easy at first. I had a lot of emotions, feelings, memories, and etc to work through and still do. Breaking up with someone is never easy no matter if it is the right thing to do. Even though I was as ready for it as I possibly could be. I knew it the breakup was coming, but it doesn't erase the hurt or the guilt that I felt. I felt so guilty for hurting someone. Especially, after I started dating so soon again. I struggled and wrestled with it, I did not want to hurt him or his family more than I already had. But, I can not choose God's timing or how He works. Why Stan and I did not get together at a different time I don't know? Why I did not agonize and do some real soul searching about my past relationship earlier? I know that it was when I truly came home and got away that I did some praying. I had been troubled for awhile though.
I literally feel like my last year and half has been on the biggest roller coaster of my life. My security has been ripped away. I have fears that I am trying to overcome and the Devil fights. But, God has been faithful!! His Word encourages me! Listening to good Christian music has been an great encouragement. I receive strength from attending church and mingling with other believers! I am blessed!
Keep me in your prayers!

Psalms 73: 25 - 26
Whom have I in heaven but You? And there is none upon the earth that I desire besides You. My flesh and my heart fail; But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

First Day...

School has officially begun for me. I attended my first classes at Ivy Tech today. They went great! So far I like my teachers and my classes! :) It might seem challenging or slightly overwhelming, but I have done this before and I was successful. I know GBS was different classes, but the work load is still the same. It's just in a totally different field. The only pressure I have is to try and make all "A's".
I am still working at the daycare. I am only working in the afternoon now. It looks like it's going to work out great.
I am still car shopping. One reason why I haven't purchased one yet is because I'm waiting for the loan to come through. As of right now I am going to borrow the Bakers until I purchase my own.
I have a lot to do in the next couple weeks. I like to have everything planned out and to have stuff done. But, it takes time. I have to learn to just be patient! :)