Conversations Around Me

I'm the new kid on the block at work. I usually sit at my desk do my work, make my rounds, and talk to the nurses when I need their help. I usually sit here and mind my own business.. But, my ears are listening to all the conversations that go on at the nurses station. I here of women who have financial woes, marriage woes, ex-husband woes, children woes, and the list goes on. I guess the woe that is talked about a lot is the ex-husband or relationship woe. How you can be so happy and in love on your wedding day then you end up 4 kids later with no love toward each other. I guess I wonder how this happens. How do you let your marriage go? Did you really mean your vows to begin with? Are you the kind of women that attracts that kind of man? What are you not telling about youself? There is always two sides to every story!! With my upcoming marriage I tune into the conversation more. I know I'm marrying a good, Godly, moral man who loves me and will keep the vows we make before God. I know I will keep the vows I make before God with His help. So, I feel more confident coming into my marriage then the average gal. I have the good Lord Jesus on my side.

Tonight I'm writing from behind my desk at work. I am trying to pass the time since tonight is a quiet, slow night. Hopefully, I don't jinx myself. We aren't allowed to say the "q" word while at work. Anyway, I just did. I am getting adjusted and doing well. My life consist of work, sleep, wedding, work, sleep, wedding, and occassionally something fun or exciting. I've been working a lot which is cool since it keeps me busy and I desperately need the money. I very much enjoy my job.. That makes all the difference. I can't imagine working the hours and shifts that I do if I didn't enjoy my job. I don't always feel like going into work.. But, that is nothing new under the sun!

Change, Change, & More Change

Oh! My life has had so many changes in the last week! Whew! I moved from parents house, moved 8 hours away, living in a new town where I know nobody, moved into an apartment, started a new job, and I think that is it. I am slowly getting adjusted! Work and wedding keeps me very busy and occupied so I don't have time to think upon the startling realization of how much my world has changed. I do tend to find myself very homesick especially on the nights when I'm not working and by myself. I miss my hometown, my parents, and my church so much it hurts. Yet, I moved to VA to spend my life with the most amazing man on the planet. So this whole situation ends up being bittersweet! I am very proud of myself for this big accomplishment. I would not have been able to do this last year due to my illness and severe depression. Even though all this change has made me slightly depressed and I'm slightly worried about slipping into that awful dark place again. But so far I'm doing great. Just one day at a time. We are only guaranteed the time we have right now so make the best of it!

Brewing On The Stove

It's time to post again.. Needed to post a few things that have been on my mind!!

1. Just because you are married now doesn't mean that you can stop caring about yourself!! I've made this weird observation of ladies not caring about how they appear or etc now that they "got their man". They dress sloppy, don't shave, lounge around in sweat pants all day, do nothing with their hair, and the list goes on. When dating us gals put a lot of time into the right outfit and our appearance... That doesn't change when one gets married. You still need to look attractive to your husband!

2. I'm homesick just thinking about it! I am getting ready to leave Indiana and move to Virginia to start my new job before I get married. I'm having a hard time with the moving part for several reasons. I love being close to my family. I'm super close to my family and don't like the idea of living 8 hours away. I also LOVE my home church!!!!! I haven't found a home church that even compares to mine. I'm so biased I know! But, I love it and the people that attend there. I have so many connections, so many friends, and so many children to love on. I have moved a lot with being a pastors kid and I'm just ready to settle down in one place and live happily ever after.. But, I don't want that to be Virginia. Awful of me I know.

3. My life is rewarding. I'm so excited about my career. I can't even explain how amazing surgery is.. Surgery is my high! But, I chose to be different and to live a clean life.. That has been so rewarding. If I would have gotten in jail, done drugs, been a teen mom, or etc I would've lost my chance at doing what I love. I'm so glad I chose to be different and live for Jesus!

Today I went and remembered to special people who were apart of my life. I needed to go and I wanted to go. But, I dreaded it. My emotions are getting the best of me. The simple, gentle harp playing as I entered the room brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was experiencing all the same emotions that I felt at their funeral. I acknowledged my journey of grief to others and shared memories. They have a special tree where I laid two white roses in honor of both of my grandfathers. That moment was when I lost it and I started bawling. Tears continued even when I writing a page in honor of them. I was moving on, but I feel like I lost ground today. It brought all of the emotions back to the surface and I feel so sad tonight. Grief is such a mystery and it never gives you warning of it's arrival. Words can't describe the feelings! The service brought the waves of grief back to me as I had to face that my grandfathers are gone. I can't see them, call them, or hear their voice. And, that about kills me in it's self.

Lessons Learned

Soon it will be a year since I've started the journey of depression and my struggle to return to my "normal" life. The journey has been lonely, dark, hopeless, desperate, and awful. I can not describe the feelings, emotions, and battles that I went through everyday with my mind and body. I have learned a lot of lessons and I'm going to share some of them below.

1. You NEVER know what people are going through. Never, never know!

2. A lot is hidden behind the mask. I was told several times that I hid my depression very well. No one knew what was going behind the mask & smile.

3. Depression is real!! It might be hard to relate or even imagine, but it is!!

4. Depression isn't from God. God doesn't give you depression as a punishment or as a funny joke. It's apart of life.

5. Depression is a physical illness. It's not  a visible one and no one has to know. It can be a chemical imbalance of hormones and etc.

6. Never judge someone for their actions. I have been guilty of judging someone for their anger or even taking their life. I will never ever do that again. Because, that could've been me. You are completely numb and  lose all ability to think rationally.

7. One must get help if they are struggling with depression. You can't fight depression by yourself!